I was in excruciating emotional and mental pain for years. I thought I was crazy. I was riddled with anxiety and depression, had done gobs of therapy, taken meds, and nothing really helped me get “out of the loop”. That loop that felt like no matter how much progress I was making, I was always back to square one. I felt like I was working on myself, but after a while, I just felt exhausted and started to lose hope. I tried to commit suicide twice in my 20’s. But it didn’t end there. I went on to think about it over and over for the next 20 years. There was this “out” always looming over me, that there is a possibility if it ever just got too much.
In my late 30’s I got into the world of mainstream spirituality, affirmations, manifestation. And because I was in so much pain, I thought there was going to be some relief here. But after trying to change my thoughts, focus on good feelings, etc., I started to lose hope because that didn’t work either. One day, in a particularly frustrated state, I wagged an angry finger at the entire universe, screaming, “You’d better help me out or I’m outta here, dammit!”
Well, it wasn’t long after that I was finally led to the answer. I saw clearly why nothing I had done worked, and what WOULD finally free me from this hell on earth existence. I wanted life to actually feel better, freer, more enjoyable, even be something I loved, and this was it. I never imagined years ago that I would love being alive, but I do – and that includes all the ups and downs, twists and turns, all of it.
Here’s how I discovered how us humans work, and it finally helped me heal.
Core beliefs and perceptions
Deep down inside of all of us, we have core beliefs and perceptions. This is how we see life, and how life feels to us. It’s how we are perceiving ourselves and everything around us. These beliefs can come from ways we’re conditioned, family wounds that have been passed down, traumas, experiences, and what we see and are told as children. Feelings, words, actions, and thoughts are the “creation tools” that we use, but every one of them is rooted in this core stuff; every single way we create our lives. Those creation tools create our experiences, circumstances, relationships – basically our whole reality.
The closer I looked the more I saw this truth: always, 100% of the time, the core beliefs and perceptions and the reality of my life is a perfect match.
So what does most personal development focus on?
Changing the creation tools. We’re told to think differently. Just change your thoughts and your life will change. Okay, so…yeah. That didn’t last.
We’re told to act differently, to form new habits and set goals. I see everywhere how it’s beaten into us that if we do it for 30 days, for 60 days, it will become a habit and then we will feel better. Yeah, tried that too — did it, even. Had some changes, but eventually went back to the way it was before and now felt like an even bigger failure. Then, we just try to feel differently. We’re told to raise our vibration, and focus on good feelings. I looked at a lot pictures of babies and kittens. I sure felt good! For a minute.
I’ve even heard we need to speak differently. Speak what you want to create, speak kindly and lovingly to yourself and others. Be positive. Only talk about positive things, words are powerful! Couldn’t keep that one up either. Most of the time, when we focus on the “creation tools” we DO get a result, but the result is temporary. When we get tired, hungry, triggered, or any number of things — we eventually go back to square one.
What I was wisely guided to was to focus on the deeper beliefs and perceptions. To look and see what they are, and to question and examine them, because really, they are the source of all that other stuff.
When I started looking there, everything made sense. I realized I was creating in perfect alignment with what was at my core. Once I started to see this and process and debunk these beliefs, and finally begin seeing what was true – really true – which is that I was worthy, loved, and perfectly designed as I was, then my thoughts, actions, feelings, and words changed on their own. I was looking at the one place that would result in a new, more empowering state of awareness and consciousness.
If you look there, you’ll find. You WILL find.
When you can shine a light on the core beliefs and perceptions, then you can begin you see what is true–because you can’t see what’s true until you identify what is a big fat lie.
That, to me, is what waking up is. Knowing what’s real, and knowing what’s not.
- You matter.
- You have value.
- You have genius.
- And you are loved.
- That’s the truth.
Stop trying to change your thoughts, and instead, ask your guide to show you the truth, and to clear it up at your core.
The truth will for sure set you free.